Enjoying the Journey

I have been noticing a distance between what I (originally) designed my relationship with Women Going Down to be, and what it actually looks like right now. Lots of self-punishing talk has been chattering away in my head. This IS what it looks like. I can see that in so many areas in my life, I get a picture of how something should be, and it's upsetting if it doesn't stay that way. I guess I could be really concerned about this if I consider that I do that to relationships- with programs, organizations, and people. My brain thinks it's easier to deal with life if I objectify anything that I possibly can.

What that doesn't allow for is surprise, delight, wonder, and, to a certain extent, appreciation. I am always most enjoying my life when I am in the process of living it- like a journey.

This morning I pulled on a skirt I love, and it was skin tight! It is supposed to be flowy. I was horrified and shocked. The truth is, I have been working a lot, and not exercising, except (thank God) for the brisk uphill walks I took on my recent trip. It DOES make a huge difference, even if I reduce my caloric intake, in my muscle tone and SIZE. Oh, and size definately does matter. The good news is, I know what to do, and I know that it will work when I do it. The growth for me is that there is no panic behind that statement, and that is new for me. Onward!

seems like a long way to go...

I am living in the full impact of what happens when I don’t honor my word. I didn’t submit an update, which includes a plan for the week. The first thing that happened was that I felt worried and anxious. Almost immediately, those sensations were overtaken by a dramatic soaring swoop of guilt. I then became paralyzed with shame, so there was no way I COULD POSSIBLY do anything. And, much to my surprise, all of this landed me in a puddle of confusion. Interestingly, my ability to chronicle the series of emotions, sensations, and feelings did not seem powerful enough to snap me into action. The truth is, I wanted to wallow in it, or I wouldn’t have done it. What surprised me was the experience of being confused about it all.

I made no commitment, and I had NOTHING to live into I the area of well-being- no structure, no plan, no goals, and I was left completely disempowered. What got left in the space that I usually have my plan filling was self-loathing, hopelessness, and despair. I felt like the A student who suddenly flunked a class. But I am not doing this for a grade, and I forgot that. My commitment to myself and the Women Going Down is to lifelong well-being.

The good news is that this view of myself didn’t creep too hideously into all the areas of my life, as I am busy and productive at work. However, as I write this, I can see that I viewed myself as less powerful and confident across the board., and there certainly was an impact of not honoring my word, and, perhaps, not even making a commitment.

It’s what we commit to in this world that gives us life, love and joy.

I still have two days left to take on a new area- swimming. I inspired myself with my luxuriously aquatic collage last week. So the only one preventing me from languishing in the most sumptuous of media is moi.

What do you mean, ENJOY life?

Because I am traveling again this week, I first and foremost thought I would need to focus on water consumption, and choosing the “lesser of all evils meals in restaurants. Even in how I was prioritizing, it is evident how tainted my own self-talk about managing my fitness and weight is. The way I was thinking about meals, and how I could possibly get some exercising in lives in the world of “I have to”. My response to anything couched overtly or covertly in those terms is “You can’t make me”, and boy do I see how resistant I am. I have not been producing the results I said I was going to produce, and I have been feeling like I am suffocating in unwillingness.

My husband asked me the other day if it (my participation in WGD) was supposed to make a difference in the lives of spouses and/or family members in terms of their weight /fitness/health. Immediately, I was really pissed off at him FOR ASKING. That was a tip-off that I didn’t want to be responsible for the answer. In short, I am guessing (not having had the experience yet) that my way of being that was generated by my commitment to what I am doing would make a difference for others. And that is what WGD is about. I still have the conversation in the background that “it’s hard to lose weight”, and that’s really where my commitment has been.

So, I was in the book store at the airport, and I noticed a couple of new books that could possibly be shelved in the “dieting” section in a mega-bookstore. Books like these may be taking the place of regimens and prescriptive diet plans. Two that I saw were Skinny Bitch and French Women Don’t Get Fat. These two books appear to be a little different , in approach, at least. They’re more anecdotal than prescriptive. I bought the French Women book, because I lived in Paris, and by golly, I didn’t see any fat Parisiennes.The purchase was made after some reflection to see if I was buying it from the same fix-it mode as I would any self-help book. I started to peruse it, and was entertained and pleased, actually, that it was about attending to the enjoyment of life, and food is a big part of living….Therein lies my focus for this week- I will attend to ENJOYING how my body feels when I exercise, not being driven by the thought that I “have to”, and enjoying the experience of being satisfied after I eat: not stuffed, or heartburny, but nourished and comfortable.

Say Cheese!

Cheese is one thing I did eat in moderation on the cruise, and afterwards, and I LOVE cheese! (My mom always told me it wasn't right to say that you love food. "Would you marry it?" In this case I would have to say yes.) Anyway, perhaps it's time to cut it out entirely.
We enjoyed a fabulous Christmas at our neighbors' house. It snowed while we ate, and we got to watch it roll in while we savored a superb meal. Today my neighbor sent me a delightful collection of photos of all of us from Christmas Day. What always catches me off guard is how I look in photos. I 'm pretty sure I am my own worst critic when I look at photos.... I may not be alone out there.
At first I was shocked at how FAT I looked- not just fat, but dowdy, which I rank as worse. I realized that I can use the photos instead of having the photos use me. They provided a good bit of information. They serve as a record of the weight that I have gained, and provide an opportunity to reflect on how I present myself to the world, and perhaps get a glimpse of how the world sees me. Read more...