I can survive anything.

I did this collage at a Developmental Program session this past weekend. So dark. It’s called, I can survive anything”. While investigating this, came to find out that the more I am successful at surviving something (anything), the more it reinforces that there really is something for me to survive. Yikes. That’s not livin’.

Perhaps I have been surviving my current level of physical fitness, or worse yet, enduring it!

Whew! That done and said, I so enjoyed being near Yosemite. What beautiful country that is! Every course session required a hike up a hill, and it felt great. Part of my well-being is clearly being with people, and sharing my passion. I feel so alive when that is what I am doing. It may not build biceps, but it definitely builds a muscle to create, to be inspired, to inspire.

Well-Being II

Well-being. What is it, I ask myself again. On different days, at different times, my response may be different.

Well-being looks like being resilient, focused, self-confident and physically well in the face of any circumstance. I notice with what mind-swirling immediacy my default thinking kicks in when circumstances present themselves that I say are confronting. What makes them confronting is that they create an environment that forces my engagement with and in the UNKNOWN. Not many people buy vacation packages for that destination! Despite my resistance, I am certain that any experiences that demand engagement with the unknown will result in extraordinary personal growth. Sometimes this growth is tough to see, because it actually transforms me, and I am unable to look BACK and COMPARE. Oh well.

Well-being shows up when I am willing to take a stand and pursue my dreams NO MATTER WHAT. Most people die by the time they are 25, but they aren’t buried until they’re 75 or 80. That’s because they fail to act and ignore their dreams.

Read the Fine Print

My annual pap and mammogram tests came back normal. Super. My cholesterol panel came back with less stellar results. Although my overall cholesterol was lower than last year, my “bad” cholesterol was higher- up from a nasty 160 last year to a shocking 170 this year. I was living a pretty righteous life over the past year, like- it doesn’t affect me.

Was driving the other day, and all of a sudden, I had a complete inability to open my left eye fully. I actually had paralysis of part of my face. It lasted for a couple of minutes, and the good news is- I paid attention to it, and all is well now. I haven’t had it checked out yet, but- could that be symptomatic of a mini-stroke. Now I am not feeling so righteous. I am a little afraid. High cholesterol/heart disease/stroke. There’s plenty of research to substantiate those relationships- notwithstanding family history. How does a five-way bypass sound?

Then (all this sent as cosmic messengers), on the radio yesterday, I heard a report out of Philadelphia about menus on well-trafficked restaurants that offer nutritional information for “healthy offerings/weight watchers/guiltless” sections. Bottom line is- the calorie count was usually MUCH higher than the number listed, with the exception, it seemed of some of the salads. The fat grams, however, including the salads, generally were 3-5 times higher than what was listed. One of the three major chains represented was not even apologetic. That leaves, realistically, ONE source I can rely on to prepare food that is probably “safe” for me to eat- ME. A fair warning to all. I have relied on those nutritional synopses on menus, and will no longer.

What Is Well-Being?

It’s work, It’s a journey, It’s a commitment. I have said all of this in relation to my well-being.
Yes, well, Maybe.

It’s a relationship. It’s a relationship with myself for and about my well-being. It’s a relationship with others who are vital and interested and energized. It’s a relationship with my own body as the vehicle willing and able to transport me through all of the experiences that I get to call my life. How could I not honor that?

As quickly as I forget, as I live in being accustomed to what I have, and how I live, just as quickly I can draw my own attention back to the miracle that it is to be here, and to be very much alive!

I am travelling, united in travel, in fact, with the women of WGD. I brought my swimsuit because there is a pool here, and it is unseasonably warm. This has been a week for miracles. They are showing up right, left, and center in the lives of everyone I know. I am holding the space wide open for miracles in my own life, too. I will let the warm weather and having a bathing suit with me be a miracle worth celebrating.

Whose Birthday Is It?

It’s my 46th birthday tomorrow. Now I know what 46 looks like. And I also don’t know what it looks like. When I was contemplating this post, I had an idea of what I meant by that- that I don’t know what it looks like. As I compose, much more depth, and access to a completely different perspective on what that means are materializing…

I got a copy of Dr. Abravanel’s Body Type Diet on Naughty Zoot’s recommendation. One of the ways to identify your body type is to look at drawings of various body types and select that which resembles you. As I looked through, I was so irritated that I had no idea which of these detailed drawings I most resembled. I thought, “Oh, crap, now I’ll have to read through ALL of it, then go back and match my body to the drawing.” I put the book aside, intending to “get back to it” this weekend.

Here’s the thing I just got- My God- how disconnected and unrelated I am to my own body, in which I have lived, on which I have depended, for 46 years, and I don’t know what it looks like. Next- how willing I am to put off anything that has to do with my well-being (particularly fitness). I had a cholesterol screening this morning, and I am HOPING it will turn out better than last year. I hardly did anything to ensure that that would be the case.

There’s more- this is how I lose power: I lose the power that is natural for a magnificent and radiant woman because I don’t pay attention to who that is, to what she looks like, to what it takes to maintain her optimum fitness. What a loss, what a disservice. Self- love, full , unconditional, and unadulterated, is the restorative for power.

And I don’t know what 46 looks like. This is the year : the year of my power, of my beauty, of my presence to and acknowledgement of what I can create. This is the year of blank canvas. This is MY year, and this is my beginning.
I’ll know my body type by next week, I will be in action around it, and I am here, paintbrush in hand.

No Self Love- pricey!

What I have really noticed that I am dragging around is this notion of being alone, doing this alone. What I mean by that is that there is not another person HERE with me , going to the gym with me, encouraging me, and being a stand for me as I play the game of lifelong fitness. I am so mulish about acknowledging that I AM THE ONE. I am, in fact, the only one that really makes a difference for me. The question “Do you love yourself?’ came up at work. Everyone at the table said yes except me. I was really not present to loving myself in that moment. What I WAS present to was the impact of NOT loving myself. In that moment I was a victim, and others around me got to treat me like one.
That’s not who I am. I like to indulge in it once in a while, but I notice that the price for not loving myself is so damn high.
I have a promise for the world. Living inside it gives purpose to all that I do. By 2018, I promise a world in which all people are championed for the contribution that they are.
Inside that, I have a promise for WomenGoingDown. By 2018, I promise a world in which all women love and cherish themselves, and are championed for being the source of what is possible for humanity.

The grass is not greener, it's just on the other side of the fence.

This week has been zipping by, and I have the sense that my productivity has increased. I have not had the manicure that I said I would have by Wednesday, so I recommit to this weekend for a spa for my fingers. I have been eating LESS, and choosing better food. I notice that my husband has order more healthy food if I have ordered something healthy. I will continue to monitor that, as I will be delighted to be responsible for generating healthfulness around me.
It’s Thursday, so it’s a day I committed to work out. Looks like a mile walk is in my future tonight. Despite the fact that more and more and more circumstances present themselves, as if to challenge me, I remain calm. Within the calm, my productivity, and more gloriously, my inspiration have increased.

I Created a Fitness Team. Thanks for the Inspiration!

Queen- what magnificent posts! It is miraculous to observe what happens when we give our word. Rigor- I have taken it on, and here is what is showing up…. I promised that I would work out Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, and I noticed that I was already thinking about it early in the week. I was actually delighting in what I was going to choose to do.

A big change this week is that I have looked, I mean really looked, at my body, naked, and I have accepted it. The shape is good, the layer of cellulite is probably not healthy, so I took that on as a target. I have avoided really looking at my body for a long time. I usually glance at it. Just like I glance at my face in the mirror. It was remarkable to be in the presence of myself.
Today is Thursday (the first promised day). Our car broke down last night in a city 3 hours away. My husband flew out to San Diego early this morning. I waited 3 ½ hours for the tow truck, and then tended to all that stuff. I thought about what I was and was not going to get done today as a result of the altered schedule, and did not spend ANY time thinking about how to get out of, or how was I possibly going to schedule exercise. I ended up doing things that I needed to complete FOR MYSELF, and spent a little bit of time on what others wanted. Those tasks were completed with remarkable velocity. So what about my fitness goals?

I got home after work, and the winds were blowing at about 45 mph- and COLD. This morning I had languished in the luxury of watching TV (we don’t have TV) while waiting for the tow truck (oh well- a little rock star life style is good for the ego), and I was stunned at the weather where most of WGD lives- SEVERE conditions. They’re still getting out there, so, I knew I could do it.
I have my own Fitness Team. And it is comprised of some of my favorite beings on the planet. Does life get any better? (Part of my intention for my well-being is to relax, and spend time with my horse. I got the ranch for him, after all.) I put on warm, warm clothes, went down to the barn, grabbed my horse Buddy (As seen on our web page), and took off at a brisk walk around the perimeter. We have lots of acres- and the distance around it (how fabulously convenient!) is almost exactly a mile. Buddy and I alternated jogging/walking every 1/8 mile. Well, soon enough, our mare, Sweetie, figured this must be important, so she followed us. Then Pedro, our rescue donkey (who is madly in love with Sweetie) thought it best to keep her in sight. Buddy loved it, and so is developed my fitness team!!!! (Kind of reminds me of “The Benchwarmers”, but hay. So, way more narrative than usual, and a tad of anthropomorphizing… This is what it looks like when I am happy and producing results.

The Truth

I have been so annoyed at my husband lately. He has made a few comments about the weight that we have gained, and about needing to get to the gym. I have been so insulted, as if to say, “How dare you even notice”! On top of it all, he asked how I was doing in WGD- if I were meeting my goals.

The truth is that I have gained 12 pounds in the last two years. It IS noticeable. The other truth is that I really just want to be a food and drinkaholic, and not be called on the carpet for it. I want to be able to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I also resist even entertaining the notion that my husband’s comments are intended to support my well-being!
I did go to the gym yesterday, and did dead lifts and squats, among other leg work. It felt great. So, I am recommitted. As it will require that I do EVERY day, to attending to my well-being through nutrition and exercise.

Revisiting Self-Love in a World of Breakdowns

Vulnerable

I have been incredibly resistant to posting this blog. Then I got really resigned about not having posted it. And then I got attached to being resigned about it. And not having posted this blog has been really draining, weighing heavily in the back of my mind like a monstrous physical presence.
It’s literally exhilarating to spend time surrounded by people who have brought themselves together to engage in whatever it takes to live into a commitment to something greater than themselves- whatever that may be- world peace- sustainable planet. I came home from that experience to find myself bogged down in my own reality.

All around me, people within close proximity are dying, have died, are dealing with the possibility of dying, have been shot, are worrying about those who have been shot, and are fearful about being shot themselves.

In a 24 hour period, I experienced the illusion of “knowing” what my financial situation was being stripped away in an instant. And having the experience of losing what I have worked so hard to create, as though it is a once in a lifetime thing.

I feel so vulnerable. That vulnerability both terrifies and frees me. After all, I am still here. I notice how much of what disturbs me is tied to who I think I am, my identity. So I have been grieving, grieving, grieving.

To keep stepping out into who I don’t know myself to be, a human who is not victimized by circumstance, but one who generates from what and however it is seems scary, especially when all the evidence in the world says it’s a bad idea. But look what life is like when we pay attention to all that we know and understand, and are engulfed by. Hmmmm.

Dressed up Goals

Here I sit with a distended stomach. Secretly plotting to be immobile, if possible. Already have my justifications and rationales ready. I had a salad. How did that happen????? However, I am going to go out for a brisk walk this evening before completing all those items on my list that would have embraced immobility.

Something really cool happened today at the airport. This is the kind of thing that could have happened a long time ago, anywhere, any time, or I could have just taken on the resulting mindset without any event to inspire it. The WHY here is not important. The result is. It’s like trying to figure out WHY we have certain repeating behaviors, specific self-sabotaging actions, and disempowering self-talk. In the end, it’s just entertaining to look and to know the answers to that stuff.

I was looking around at everyone in the airport (excellent venue for people watching) and suddenly noticed my fascination with what people were wearing (mostly women). It didn’t matter what kind of clothes, what size, what look. I didn’t have any dominating opinions, just a few fleeting thoughts. I was just LOOKING. I thought about all the gorgeous clothes I have in my closet. I don’t buy really lovely clothes until I am pretty svelte, and then, outta my way with the shopping bags!

In our group, we have talked about what really has thin be something to seek. I couldn’t come up with anything for the longest time. When I am fit, devoid of extra body fat, I FEEL really good, no positions I sit/stand/lie in are uncomfortable, and it seems that I float around effortlessly. When weight creeps on, and I reach a tipping point, I literally can no longer remember what that fitness feels like, so it disappears. It only lives as talk, not as experience. So, I am really excited about the goal I committed to- I have until mid-summer, and I am doing it. See my profile for details!

MIssing

Physically, it feels really good to have exercised (as I said I would). Even better was the experience of honoring my word around what I said I would do. I have been paying attention to what I have been eating, and have been enjoying, and I do mean regaling on many more salads than I have in the past months.

What is going on is activity, which is seemingly endless. I have been completing tasks, completing tasks, completing tasks, and only some of those are directly related to what I am interested in. It’s important, and moves things forward, yet IN THE BACKGROUND I am always pining to be free, the be outside, to be cherished, to be fulfilled. What in the hell is MISSING?????? Clearly, there is only something missing because I say it is missing, but that doesn’t answer the question WHAT is missing.

Behind the Smokescreen: Grief

My collage this week is ugly and underdeveloped. That's my critical assessment. Funny how it seems to match my sense of accomplishment for WGD. I seem to be a little under the weather- something lowgrade, just enough to use as an excuse.

I just read Queen's post (Thursday 2/28), and boy do I get it. My collage is about exercise- it's hard, like I have to fight for my life, and people are watching- you know, like my husband. I just want a sliver of something sweet to make me feel good...Up off in unattainableland is hot, thin, sexy chick. What ever happened to her?I am really resentful that it's not effortless anymore, like it was when I was 25. Resentment doesn't generate much action, I've noticed.

And... I think it's a smokescreen at the moment.

Doesn't mean I won't come back to it. I will.Today I had a massage. It was lovely. First I found myself wondering, "Is she thinking about how much weight I've gained since the last time I was in? Is my muscle tone disgusting?" (etc., by the way, ad nauseum), then I focused on how much hair was on my upper legs and fantasized about it getting tangled in her spindly fingers. Not much attention to self-love. Then she got to my feet. I don't know much about reflexology, except that I have a chart, and know that it's been around long enough for lots of evidence to have been accumulated for its validity. Does it access emotions stored in spots in the body? She got to some spot, and I started to cry. I was thinking of my dad, who died four years ago, and whose birthday it will be on March 3. Although I cleaned up a lot before his death, yet there is so much incompletion- about my dad, for me, with my mom and brother. As far as I am concerned, this is evidence that the brain is truly like a computer, and my Outlook is open to the calendar function.

Something I dreamed (literally) not too long ago was about establishing a foundation in my father's honor to provide health benefits, particularly dialysis, to Veterans and their families who need it. My dad invented dialysis, and was researching until very shortly before his death. He LIVED FOR and was ENLIVENED BY the betterment of the lives of others, and was devastaed by the fact that dialysis was not a cure.I've made promises and commitments to get this off the ground, and if I truly have the intention to honor my father, I will call everyone I can by his birthday. Perhaps they are all on the edge of their seats, waiting for an invitation to participate.Odd post for a group focused on well-being? No- this is about what I really live for

p.s. I said I would look at acknowledgement this week in my last post. I have. I have enjoyed acknowledging others every day, for whatever they have contributed to me or others. It really does reflect right back on me, and gives me my life. When I am related to others as a contribution, it creates a particularly glorious world in which to live. Try it.

Losing to Win

Last week I struggled, debated and listed every possible reason NOT to be on the conference call for WGD. I had sunk into the darkest place I have been in many, many years. In fact, I was actually scared, because I had slipped past the tipping point, a point at which I thought I had the power to do something or be some way to come out of it. I had exceptional justification- I was so depressed, I had nothing to offer, I was negative, and especially important, I had nothing to contribute to the call, and certainly not to the world.

I was on the call, thank God.

One of my stories has been that I was invisible, and I had been stretching to be outside that old story, yet it felt like it didn’t make a difference. What I (and all of the women of WGD) have taken on in our lives is represented by our participation and commitment to Women Going Down, but is not reflected by it. We have all taken on huge games in the world- in all kinds of arenas: relationships, family, health and fitness, career- all inside of what it means to be a contribution to the world. There is NO agreement in the world for taking on a huge game. It makes others uncomfortable when they suspect they don’t know who you are in the moment, and it takes courage to keep stepping out.

What had happened is that I found myself present to the world emerging around me, and none of it is familiar anymore, so it FEELS like chaos. I was so confronted by so much change simultaneously, that my desperate and failed attempts to control everything left me in a dreadfully uncomfortable place. I had no past references to compare it to, and to measure my “success”, so I , left to my own devices, called it failure. It seemed as though everything I was doing was showing up half-assed.

On the call, we considered failing as a matter of course of having taken on more than we know ourselves to be. We are actually WILLING to play a game of losing (failing), ongoingly, to win.
One thing we identified as being a missing piece is acknowledgement. My whole world, and indeed my experience of myself, completely shifted as a result of Naughty Zoot’s magnificent acknowledgement. The experience was so profound and miraculous that I am taking a deeper look at this during the week, and will make it the subject of my next blog. It made a huge difference to in conversation with extraordinary women, celebrating breakdowns as acknowledgement for being on the court. For playing the game we will lose, over and over, to win.

Enjoying the Journey

I have been noticing a distance between what I (originally) designed my relationship with Women Going Down to be, and what it actually looks like right now. Lots of self-punishing talk has been chattering away in my head. This IS what it looks like. I can see that in so many areas in my life, I get a picture of how something should be, and it's upsetting if it doesn't stay that way. I guess I could be really concerned about this if I consider that I do that to relationships- with programs, organizations, and people. My brain thinks it's easier to deal with life if I objectify anything that I possibly can.

What that doesn't allow for is surprise, delight, wonder, and, to a certain extent, appreciation. I am always most enjoying my life when I am in the process of living it- like a journey.

This morning I pulled on a skirt I love, and it was skin tight! It is supposed to be flowy. I was horrified and shocked. The truth is, I have been working a lot, and not exercising, except (thank God) for the brisk uphill walks I took on my recent trip. It DOES make a huge difference, even if I reduce my caloric intake, in my muscle tone and SIZE. Oh, and size definately does matter. The good news is, I know what to do, and I know that it will work when I do it. The growth for me is that there is no panic behind that statement, and that is new for me. Onward!

seems like a long way to go...

I am living in the full impact of what happens when I don’t honor my word. I didn’t submit an update, which includes a plan for the week. The first thing that happened was that I felt worried and anxious. Almost immediately, those sensations were overtaken by a dramatic soaring swoop of guilt. I then became paralyzed with shame, so there was no way I COULD POSSIBLY do anything. And, much to my surprise, all of this landed me in a puddle of confusion. Interestingly, my ability to chronicle the series of emotions, sensations, and feelings did not seem powerful enough to snap me into action. The truth is, I wanted to wallow in it, or I wouldn’t have done it. What surprised me was the experience of being confused about it all.

I made no commitment, and I had NOTHING to live into I the area of well-being- no structure, no plan, no goals, and I was left completely disempowered. What got left in the space that I usually have my plan filling was self-loathing, hopelessness, and despair. I felt like the A student who suddenly flunked a class. But I am not doing this for a grade, and I forgot that. My commitment to myself and the Women Going Down is to lifelong well-being.

The good news is that this view of myself didn’t creep too hideously into all the areas of my life, as I am busy and productive at work. However, as I write this, I can see that I viewed myself as less powerful and confident across the board., and there certainly was an impact of not honoring my word, and, perhaps, not even making a commitment.

It’s what we commit to in this world that gives us life, love and joy.

I still have two days left to take on a new area- swimming. I inspired myself with my luxuriously aquatic collage last week. So the only one preventing me from languishing in the most sumptuous of media is moi.

What do you mean, ENJOY life?

Because I am traveling again this week, I first and foremost thought I would need to focus on water consumption, and choosing the “lesser of all evils meals in restaurants. Even in how I was prioritizing, it is evident how tainted my own self-talk about managing my fitness and weight is. The way I was thinking about meals, and how I could possibly get some exercising in lives in the world of “I have to”. My response to anything couched overtly or covertly in those terms is “You can’t make me”, and boy do I see how resistant I am. I have not been producing the results I said I was going to produce, and I have been feeling like I am suffocating in unwillingness.

My husband asked me the other day if it (my participation in WGD) was supposed to make a difference in the lives of spouses and/or family members in terms of their weight /fitness/health. Immediately, I was really pissed off at him FOR ASKING. That was a tip-off that I didn’t want to be responsible for the answer. In short, I am guessing (not having had the experience yet) that my way of being that was generated by my commitment to what I am doing would make a difference for others. And that is what WGD is about. I still have the conversation in the background that “it’s hard to lose weight”, and that’s really where my commitment has been.

So, I was in the book store at the airport, and I noticed a couple of new books that could possibly be shelved in the “dieting” section in a mega-bookstore. Books like these may be taking the place of regimens and prescriptive diet plans. Two that I saw were Skinny Bitch and French Women Don’t Get Fat. These two books appear to be a little different , in approach, at least. They’re more anecdotal than prescriptive. I bought the French Women book, because I lived in Paris, and by golly, I didn’t see any fat Parisiennes.The purchase was made after some reflection to see if I was buying it from the same fix-it mode as I would any self-help book. I started to peruse it, and was entertained and pleased, actually, that it was about attending to the enjoyment of life, and food is a big part of living….Therein lies my focus for this week- I will attend to ENJOYING how my body feels when I exercise, not being driven by the thought that I “have to”, and enjoying the experience of being satisfied after I eat: not stuffed, or heartburny, but nourished and comfortable.

Say Cheese!

Cheese is one thing I did eat in moderation on the cruise, and afterwards, and I LOVE cheese! (My mom always told me it wasn't right to say that you love food. "Would you marry it?" In this case I would have to say yes.) Anyway, perhaps it's time to cut it out entirely.
We enjoyed a fabulous Christmas at our neighbors' house. It snowed while we ate, and we got to watch it roll in while we savored a superb meal. Today my neighbor sent me a delightful collection of photos of all of us from Christmas Day. What always catches me off guard is how I look in photos. I 'm pretty sure I am my own worst critic when I look at photos.... I may not be alone out there.
At first I was shocked at how FAT I looked- not just fat, but dowdy, which I rank as worse. I realized that I can use the photos instead of having the photos use me. They provided a good bit of information. They serve as a record of the weight that I have gained, and provide an opportunity to reflect on how I present myself to the world, and perhaps get a glimpse of how the world sees me. Read more...