Last week I struggled, debated and listed every possible reason NOT to be on the conference call for WGD. I had sunk into the darkest place I have been in many, many years. In fact, I was actually scared, because I had slipped past the tipping point, a point at which I thought I had the power to do something or be some way to come out of it. I had exceptional justification- I was so depressed, I had nothing to offer, I was negative, and especially important, I had nothing to contribute to the call, and certainly not to the world.
I was on the call, thank God.
One of my stories has been that I was invisible, and I had been stretching to be outside that old story, yet it felt like it didn’t make a difference. What I (and all of the women of WGD) have taken on in our lives is represented by our participation and commitment to Women Going Down, but is not reflected by it. We have all taken on huge games in the world- in all kinds of arenas: relationships, family, health and fitness, career- all inside of what it means to be a contribution to the world. There is NO agreement in the world for taking on a huge game. It makes others uncomfortable when they suspect they don’t know who you are in the moment, and it takes courage to keep stepping out.
What had happened is that I found myself present to the world emerging around me, and none of it is familiar anymore, so it FEELS like chaos. I was so confronted by so much change simultaneously, that my desperate and failed attempts to control everything left me in a dreadfully uncomfortable place. I had no past references to compare it to, and to measure my “success”, so I , left to my own devices, called it failure. It seemed as though everything I was doing was showing up half-assed.
On the call, we considered failing as a matter of course of having taken on more than we know ourselves to be. We are actually WILLING to play a game of losing (failing), ongoingly, to win.
One thing we identified as being a missing piece is acknowledgement. My whole world, and indeed my experience of myself, completely shifted as a result of Naughty Zoot’s magnificent acknowledgement. The experience was so profound and miraculous that I am taking a deeper look at this during the week, and will make it the subject of my next blog. It made a huge difference to in conversation with extraordinary women, celebrating breakdowns as acknowledgement for being on the court. For playing the game we will lose, over and over, to win.
I was on the call, thank God.
One of my stories has been that I was invisible, and I had been stretching to be outside that old story, yet it felt like it didn’t make a difference. What I (and all of the women of WGD) have taken on in our lives is represented by our participation and commitment to Women Going Down, but is not reflected by it. We have all taken on huge games in the world- in all kinds of arenas: relationships, family, health and fitness, career- all inside of what it means to be a contribution to the world. There is NO agreement in the world for taking on a huge game. It makes others uncomfortable when they suspect they don’t know who you are in the moment, and it takes courage to keep stepping out.
What had happened is that I found myself present to the world emerging around me, and none of it is familiar anymore, so it FEELS like chaos. I was so confronted by so much change simultaneously, that my desperate and failed attempts to control everything left me in a dreadfully uncomfortable place. I had no past references to compare it to, and to measure my “success”, so I , left to my own devices, called it failure. It seemed as though everything I was doing was showing up half-assed.
On the call, we considered failing as a matter of course of having taken on more than we know ourselves to be. We are actually WILLING to play a game of losing (failing), ongoingly, to win.
One thing we identified as being a missing piece is acknowledgement. My whole world, and indeed my experience of myself, completely shifted as a result of Naughty Zoot’s magnificent acknowledgement. The experience was so profound and miraculous that I am taking a deeper look at this during the week, and will make it the subject of my next blog. It made a huge difference to in conversation with extraordinary women, celebrating breakdowns as acknowledgement for being on the court. For playing the game we will lose, over and over, to win.
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