Vulnerable

I have been incredibly resistant to posting this blog. Then I got really resigned about not having posted it. And then I got attached to being resigned about it. And not having posted this blog has been really draining, weighing heavily in the back of my mind like a monstrous physical presence.
It’s literally exhilarating to spend time surrounded by people who have brought themselves together to engage in whatever it takes to live into a commitment to something greater than themselves- whatever that may be- world peace- sustainable planet. I came home from that experience to find myself bogged down in my own reality.

All around me, people within close proximity are dying, have died, are dealing with the possibility of dying, have been shot, are worrying about those who have been shot, and are fearful about being shot themselves.

In a 24 hour period, I experienced the illusion of “knowing” what my financial situation was being stripped away in an instant. And having the experience of losing what I have worked so hard to create, as though it is a once in a lifetime thing.

I feel so vulnerable. That vulnerability both terrifies and frees me. After all, I am still here. I notice how much of what disturbs me is tied to who I think I am, my identity. So I have been grieving, grieving, grieving.

To keep stepping out into who I don’t know myself to be, a human who is not victimized by circumstance, but one who generates from what and however it is seems scary, especially when all the evidence in the world says it’s a bad idea. But look what life is like when we pay attention to all that we know and understand, and are engulfed by. Hmmmm.