Revisiting Self-Love in a World of Breakdowns

Vulnerable

I have been incredibly resistant to posting this blog. Then I got really resigned about not having posted it. And then I got attached to being resigned about it. And not having posted this blog has been really draining, weighing heavily in the back of my mind like a monstrous physical presence.
It’s literally exhilarating to spend time surrounded by people who have brought themselves together to engage in whatever it takes to live into a commitment to something greater than themselves- whatever that may be- world peace- sustainable planet. I came home from that experience to find myself bogged down in my own reality.

All around me, people within close proximity are dying, have died, are dealing with the possibility of dying, have been shot, are worrying about those who have been shot, and are fearful about being shot themselves.

In a 24 hour period, I experienced the illusion of “knowing” what my financial situation was being stripped away in an instant. And having the experience of losing what I have worked so hard to create, as though it is a once in a lifetime thing.

I feel so vulnerable. That vulnerability both terrifies and frees me. After all, I am still here. I notice how much of what disturbs me is tied to who I think I am, my identity. So I have been grieving, grieving, grieving.

To keep stepping out into who I don’t know myself to be, a human who is not victimized by circumstance, but one who generates from what and however it is seems scary, especially when all the evidence in the world says it’s a bad idea. But look what life is like when we pay attention to all that we know and understand, and are engulfed by. Hmmmm.

Dressed up Goals

Here I sit with a distended stomach. Secretly plotting to be immobile, if possible. Already have my justifications and rationales ready. I had a salad. How did that happen????? However, I am going to go out for a brisk walk this evening before completing all those items on my list that would have embraced immobility.

Something really cool happened today at the airport. This is the kind of thing that could have happened a long time ago, anywhere, any time, or I could have just taken on the resulting mindset without any event to inspire it. The WHY here is not important. The result is. It’s like trying to figure out WHY we have certain repeating behaviors, specific self-sabotaging actions, and disempowering self-talk. In the end, it’s just entertaining to look and to know the answers to that stuff.

I was looking around at everyone in the airport (excellent venue for people watching) and suddenly noticed my fascination with what people were wearing (mostly women). It didn’t matter what kind of clothes, what size, what look. I didn’t have any dominating opinions, just a few fleeting thoughts. I was just LOOKING. I thought about all the gorgeous clothes I have in my closet. I don’t buy really lovely clothes until I am pretty svelte, and then, outta my way with the shopping bags!

In our group, we have talked about what really has thin be something to seek. I couldn’t come up with anything for the longest time. When I am fit, devoid of extra body fat, I FEEL really good, no positions I sit/stand/lie in are uncomfortable, and it seems that I float around effortlessly. When weight creeps on, and I reach a tipping point, I literally can no longer remember what that fitness feels like, so it disappears. It only lives as talk, not as experience. So, I am really excited about the goal I committed to- I have until mid-summer, and I am doing it. See my profile for details!

MIssing

Physically, it feels really good to have exercised (as I said I would). Even better was the experience of honoring my word around what I said I would do. I have been paying attention to what I have been eating, and have been enjoying, and I do mean regaling on many more salads than I have in the past months.

What is going on is activity, which is seemingly endless. I have been completing tasks, completing tasks, completing tasks, and only some of those are directly related to what I am interested in. It’s important, and moves things forward, yet IN THE BACKGROUND I am always pining to be free, the be outside, to be cherished, to be fulfilled. What in the hell is MISSING?????? Clearly, there is only something missing because I say it is missing, but that doesn’t answer the question WHAT is missing.

Behind the Smokescreen: Grief

My collage this week is ugly and underdeveloped. That's my critical assessment. Funny how it seems to match my sense of accomplishment for WGD. I seem to be a little under the weather- something lowgrade, just enough to use as an excuse.

I just read Queen's post (Thursday 2/28), and boy do I get it. My collage is about exercise- it's hard, like I have to fight for my life, and people are watching- you know, like my husband. I just want a sliver of something sweet to make me feel good...Up off in unattainableland is hot, thin, sexy chick. What ever happened to her?I am really resentful that it's not effortless anymore, like it was when I was 25. Resentment doesn't generate much action, I've noticed.

And... I think it's a smokescreen at the moment.

Doesn't mean I won't come back to it. I will.Today I had a massage. It was lovely. First I found myself wondering, "Is she thinking about how much weight I've gained since the last time I was in? Is my muscle tone disgusting?" (etc., by the way, ad nauseum), then I focused on how much hair was on my upper legs and fantasized about it getting tangled in her spindly fingers. Not much attention to self-love. Then she got to my feet. I don't know much about reflexology, except that I have a chart, and know that it's been around long enough for lots of evidence to have been accumulated for its validity. Does it access emotions stored in spots in the body? She got to some spot, and I started to cry. I was thinking of my dad, who died four years ago, and whose birthday it will be on March 3. Although I cleaned up a lot before his death, yet there is so much incompletion- about my dad, for me, with my mom and brother. As far as I am concerned, this is evidence that the brain is truly like a computer, and my Outlook is open to the calendar function.

Something I dreamed (literally) not too long ago was about establishing a foundation in my father's honor to provide health benefits, particularly dialysis, to Veterans and their families who need it. My dad invented dialysis, and was researching until very shortly before his death. He LIVED FOR and was ENLIVENED BY the betterment of the lives of others, and was devastaed by the fact that dialysis was not a cure.I've made promises and commitments to get this off the ground, and if I truly have the intention to honor my father, I will call everyone I can by his birthday. Perhaps they are all on the edge of their seats, waiting for an invitation to participate.Odd post for a group focused on well-being? No- this is about what I really live for

p.s. I said I would look at acknowledgement this week in my last post. I have. I have enjoyed acknowledging others every day, for whatever they have contributed to me or others. It really does reflect right back on me, and gives me my life. When I am related to others as a contribution, it creates a particularly glorious world in which to live. Try it.